The End

A few years ago, someone dear to my heart said to me that he loved all of the songs on Pearl Jam’s Backspacer album, except for “The End”. At the time, I laughed and said that I couldn’t ever think of it without thinking of The Doors’ song of the same name, so it blurred for me. What it boiled down to was that he and I would listen to the album save for that one song.

Fast-forward to present day.

Recently, I started listening to all of my Pearl Jam songs on shuffle play, in order to force myself to pay attention to and really hear those songs that weren’t known to me as “my favorites”. In all fairness, this equates to roughly 14 albums, 165 songs, and 11 hours of music. Just Pearl Jam. So yeah, don’t have all of them memorized. Many, but not all. Perhaps if Pearl Jam was to “come back” to Montana… *et hem* and play a few shows…?


3 of Swords Radiant Rider Waite
Radiant Rider Waite
Shuffling my Pearl Jam songs reacquainted me with “The End”, and I found myself playing it on loop for a while, wondering why I’d initially let it go. It’s a really good song. Poignant.
Sharp. Painful. Cuts through some serious bullshit and reaches right in and stabs swords through your heart… Yeah, a good song. And after experiencing the unanticipated collapse of my own marriage, I can certainly see why one would instinctively shy away from it as it certainly targets all those excruciating emotions one goes through pre-, during, and post-divorce, especially if one is actually going through that (any kind of) breakup.

What were all those dreams we shared
Those many years ago?
What were all those plans we made
Now left beside the road?
Behind us in the road

More than friends I always pledged
Cause friends they come and go
People change as does everything
I wanted to grow old
Just want to grow old

Yeah… I can see why my friend – who was in the middle of a divorce at the time (I wasn’t) – would say he skips that song at the time.

Don’t leave me so cold
Or buried beneath the stones
I just want to hold on
And know I’m worth your love
I don’t think
There’s such a thing

It is hard to listen to; add to it the raw ache in Eddie Vedder’s wonderful voice? Intense. Very intense.

Yet Endings bring about New Beginnings.

Myself, I’ve been spending this last year since my divorce – my own “The End” – looking within and discovering how to mend what was broken, discard what can’t be repaired, and figure out just exactly what I want for the betterment of myself, my children, and my world as a whole.

Basically, I’ve been doing this:

Step 1) Self-healing post Sacrifice and Letting Go
Step 1) Self-healing post Sacrifice and Letting Go
Working hard to clear through the clutter and devastation that’s left post-breakup, cutting through sorrow and heartache, bad habits and doubt, to leave that all emotional baggage behind and move into smoother, clearer water towards rebirth of Self and a new life.

Step 2) Death leads to Change
Step 2) Death leads to Transformation & Rebirth, forces Change & Initiation

The definitive End of one aspect of Life brings Transformation and Forced Change leading to Rebirth and a stronger sense of Independent Self. With the Goal of wonderful New Beginnings leading to Self Victory.

Step 3) Setting forth Goals & Good Energy
Step 3) Setting forth Goals & Good Energy to Bring in Healthy New Relationships
Causing you to create plans and use the Good Energy of Self to call forth healthy new relationships with a mutually strong emotional and physical base (to each their own; replace my Queen of Wands and King of Cups with your own pick out of the Court Cards here, lol).

Step 4) Choosing Love & Life
Step 4) Choosing Love & Life in the Good Way
Being brave and taking risks; Opening your heart to the Stars to Guide you to choose mutual and reciprocal healthy relationships with others, and being selective in the Good Way to welcome in the True Love – who may not be perfect but who is perfect for you – into your Life, your home, your Universe.

Step 5) Love needs Honesty & Mutual Communication to Thrive
Step 5) The Ultimate Power Couple’s Love needs Honesty & Mutual Communication to Thrive
Because as Human Beings (for the most part), we are naturally social creatures who crave Connection. Yet in order to be that Powerfully Connected Pairing, even Soul Mates need Honesty and a 2-flow loop Communication in order to be strong and thrive, to live in their ideal Happily Ever After, with True Sharing and True Caring… Even if the Truth hurts sometimes (hey, the Sun gives life, yet it also burns, right, “Nothingman”?)

Life's Journey
Life’s Journey
After my “The End”, this is the Journey I’m undertaking. This is what Matters to me and what I’ve learned you actually can take with you. Certainly looks much easier in the picture. ? But it isn’t a race and I keep my Eye on my idea of the Prize.

Many of you may have different ideas on how you want to reach your proverbial Gold Ring ? after you’ve reached The End and have recovered enough to face transforming what’s ended into a new beginning for yourself. However, that’s likely based on how you wired your soul before being born on this particular planet – which is a discussion for another time, another post. Maybe if I feel like it. ?

…22/26, 22/26, 22/26…

All or None

Sooooo… I’m beginning to notice that my blog posts are reading like a Pearl Jam “greatest hits” album. LOL… ? This isn’t my fault. I place blame wholeheartedly on PJ’s collective stage. It isn’t my fault that Pearl Jam creates music that relate to emotions that I don’t even realize I have (until I hear them in the songs.)

PJ 2016 Tour Schedule
Pearl Jam 2016 Tour Schedule
So yeah, absolutely passing the buck on this one. Literally, since I do buy PJ’s albums, even some merchandise (love my PJ bumper sticker on my car! Heehees ?) — although… Still waiting to be able to buy concert tickets since there’s a distinct lack of Montana dates on Pearl Jam’s tour schedule. ??

Anyhoodles… “All or None” came to mind yesterday (after I’d already texted the lyric, “If nothing is everything, I’ll have it all” to someone – from Gone, off of the Pearl Jam album) after an encounter with my Twin Flame. It was the first time we’d “spoken” to one another since the beginning of June (when black holes were created in the way only Twin Flames can create.) And I realized something. It wasn’t a new thought, yet it nudged right up against how I’ve been feeling lately, and kind of busted that truth wide open within me, that perhaps I’d been trying to hide or ignore:

Radiant Rider Waite Ace of Cups
The Ultimate Cup of Care
(Radiant Rider Waite)
I cannot do half-assed with people in my Cup of Care.

There are many people with whom I share a friendly acquaintanceship, and it’s comfortable. By unspoken agreement, we keep our “visits” to social media and running into one another at the store or other public places. We smile, we inquire about children and others, share what’s new, talk about how we totally have to hang out one of these days, then part (sometimes with hugs and smooches, sometimes with a smile and wave) and move on in our merry way, fully comfortable in that friendship status. We don’t text, call or otherwise associate and that is by unspoken design. And we completely enjoy it as such.

Then there are those friendships that sink past your skin, thread into your bones. These are the friends with whom you share mutual respect, consideration, love and affection. You guide and teach and learn from one another. Some of these friendships are fleeting, others last years spanning decades. These are the friends you talk to on the phone, in person, you text, you visit socially in real life as well as via social media (if you’re the type.) They accept you even if they don’t get you.

silver birch
Silver Birch
These are the friends you can go for years without actually speaking with, yet you know that should you ever need them (or they you), they will be there. And you also know that if you’re ever in their neighborhood without stopping by or at least calling – even if it’s been 20 years – they’ll kill you and vice versa. Some are there just for a flicker in time, like a leaf in the wind; there with you for a while, but leave (ha! leave! I made a punny, didn’t even mean to, lol) once their tasks are complete. Sometimes you are that leaf for someone else. And it’s All Good. These are Soul Mate friends in the tree that is you.
(And one of these days, I’ll need to go in-depth about what constitutes “soul mate” and what it all means and how it relates to the individual and those around said individual, but not in this post. ?)

For these friendships, endings are rarely acute. Most simply fade with time, yet always remain within you on some level. Others are disrupted through jagged life lessons that generally require time and healing before the friendship is over or reabsorbed (usually transformed into something else as what causes the rift, ends what was there before.) Sometimes it’s smooth… Often, very painful.

Then there is your Twin Flame, if you’re lucky enough to find and reconnect with that soul.

Infinity Sign Always
Twin Flame is Soul Mate to the Nth. And when you hear your Twin Flame say the word “Always” to you, it resonates within you, vibrates in a humming sound along your bones. Because that’s what the two of you simply Are. It doesn’t even matter what the two of you are even talking about. That word… It’s like The Ultimate “Safe Word”. It’s the reminder that you found Home.

Now, how does all of this tie into the title of this post?

In my experience, it is impossible to go from any type of soul mate relationship to “friendly acquaintances”. While one could turn a “friendly acquaintance” into a soul mate relationship (it’s simply a matter of mutual agreement, for example, I met a soul new to me a few years ago, and she told me that she liked how I parented my children so much that she asked if I would be her mom next lifetime. I said, Sure. And with that voiced agreement, a bond was formed and she and I successfully expanded our friendship from friendly acquaintances and now have a soul mate friendship.)… I have yet to experience going from something as deep and mutually abiding as a soul mate relationship to “hi’s and bye’s” on the street. In my heart, I don’t think that’s even possible. And in my soul, the thought of reducing such a powerful connection to something so mundane as “acquaintances” makes me cringe and recoil on an instinctive level.

You don’t believe me? Try it.
Go ahead: The next time you (try to?) end things with a special friend, a soul that Matters to you, see if you can do the casual “Hello” with that person.
Once you’ve experienced that, imagine doing that with the soul that is Twin to your own.

Uh huh.
That’s what I thought.

I tried it, for I believe that when there are no hard feelings, one shouldn’t behave as if there are, meaning, when someone who shares a Connection with you greets you as you’re walking down the street, you should return the salutation accordingly.

It’s a hopeless… situation
And I’m starting to believe
That this hopeless… situation
Is what I’m trying to achieve – All or None, Pearl Jam

One might try for the “It is what it is”, but in truth, all that means is that it is what it is because it isn’t what it should be. (Thank you, A! ?) “It is what it is” is one half-assed declaration, and I hope to never – ever – hear it in regards to any relationship I am ever in… Ever.

Let me speak plain:
If the man I’m with refers to our relationship as being “it is what it is”, then I am clearly with the wrong man.

I don’t care if that man is a soul mate; obviously (to me), the connection then is one of lessons to be learned and experienced gained rather than one of genuine true love and care. Cause damn. Just… damn.

I’m just glad that it wasn’t in reference to me. I certainly don’t envy the woman who’s part of that glowing, waxed-poetic pairing. Ouch. ?
*stage-whispers* Half. Assed.

If I can’t have a real, mutual, communicative friendship or deep love relationship with the soul I feel so connected with, I’ll go without altogether, than be reduced to something that feels so viscerally wrong and false to me.

Me, I’m going for this:

It’s all or none … All or None.


When I started backing my car out of the garage to go wash it, I must have inadvertently left my iPod on because the song that I heard from my speakers wasn’t the one playing when I’d parked my car.
— (FYI: It’s signs like this, Peeps, and our ability to recognize them, that separates us wheat from the chaff. Just sayin. ?)

Stupid - Sarah McLachlan
“Stupid” – Sarah McLachlan

Instead, the very significant sounds of “Stupid” — a Sarah McLachlan song off her album Afterglow (2003) — and one I haven’t listened to in years — came through the speakers. I went to switch it to something else, but something stayed my hand. I let it play as I drove to go wash my car, thought about what she sang as I washed my car, and I realized: How is it that this song isn’t already on my Twin Flames playlist (since corrected)?

Stupid” lyrics:
Night lift up the shades
Let in the brilliant light in morning
Steady me now
For I am weak and starving for mercy

Sleep has left me alone
To carry the weight of unravelling where we went wrong
It’s all I can do to hang on
To keep me from falling
Into old familiar shoes

How stupid could I be?
A simpleton could see
That you’re no good for me
But you’re the only one I see

Love has made me a fool
Set me on fire and watched as I floundered
Unable to speak
Except to cry out and wait for your answer

But you come around in your time
Speaking of fabulous places, create an oasis
That dries up as soon as you’re gone
You leave me here burning
In this desert without you

How stupid could I be?
A simpleton could see
That you’re no good for me
But you’re the only one I see

Everything changes
Everything falls apart
I can’t stand to feel myself losing control
In the deep of my weakness I know

How stupid could I be?
A simpleton could see
That you’re no good for me
But you’re the only one I see

How stupid could I be?
A simpleton could see
That you’re no good for me
But you’re the only one I see

I love how songs speak volumes. And this one in particular seems to address the Twin Flame issue of one Soul Mate coping with their embrace of the incredibly special and sacred connection when the other does not. This verse especially resonates for it is my life here now:
But you come around in your time
Speaking of fabulous places, create an oasis
That dries up as soon as you’re gone
You leave me here burning
In this desert without you

I’m trying to accept and adjust accordingly; the brain knows it’s necessary. Heart and soul feel like it’s easier said than done. For now, all I can do is try, and so I am… at least until I no longer have to for whatever reason. (I look forward to that release. One way or the other, I know it will occur.) But that’s exactly how it feels: Burning in this desert and trying to cope and learn to live again without him. Which you’d think wouldn’t be too difficult… except after experiencing that “oasis”, it’s so very hard to go back to life without that nourishment.

Glad I was Guided to this song. (Love when that happens!) I’ll ponder the reason(s) behind it likely for the rest of the day, LOL… OOH! Tarot time! Let’s try it (computer fail yesterday when trying for “Diamonds“):

"Stupid" Meaning tarot reading
“Stupid” Meaning tarot reading
Well, well, well. Interesting. ? Very acceptable reason why. And how wonderful to see such marvelousness ahead and that the negative stuff is something that I’m healing from successfully and it will be firmly in my past. Also interesting to note that the song is — in itself — part of my healing process.

We have a Powerful Connection, my Twin Flame & I; I knew that already. Looks like I’ll always respect, love, and enjoy that Connection… but it looks as though I’ll be doing so solely in Spirit, for it also looks like a recognition that comes from my Twin Flame in that “too little, too late” kind of way. How typical; it is the story of his and my life, lol… For it looks like there’s another soul mate approaching, and after what my Twin Flame showed me this morning… Looks as though I finally and fully accept it within myself that he and I won’t be happening anytime soon; if at all in this lifetime. He would have to step up pretty hardcore within himself to take my hand — and it does look like a strong chance he will do just that. Except by the time he gets around to doing so, my head’s turning to someone else. Tower & Justice here imply some strong and hardcore karmic changes taking place overall… Remember what I said about that Lightning Bolt?


I could go into more detail, but I won’t, cause there are many many things I won’t share with the Internet. ?
Looks like there’s one last chance for my Twin Flame to take my hand. Will he?

Will he (my Twin Flame) take that last chance for Us?
Will he (my Twin Flame) take that last chance for Us?
Looks like a “No”; he’s being too blind to see what’s around him. And again, yes, he and I are a Twin Flame “Power Couple”, yet due to his self-detrimental obstinacy (remember what I said about the Emperor & his new clothes?), still looks like a soul mate someone else may very well ride in. (Strangely enough, I’m picking up Fire sign. Figures.)

I Tried.
But fish gotta swim and birds gotta eat.

Off to pick up my kiddos…
Til next thought, Peeps! ?