Raising Memories

“Lifetimes are catching up with me…”

22-26
22-26
Woke up yesterday morning singing “I changed by not changing at all, small town predicts my fate” in my head. Been trying to ignore it since without success. (Really, I do know better than to try to ignore it when I awaken to song. It’s rather stupid of me to even try; yet there’s a history of failure associated with trying to roll with the songs given to me.) And I know why TPTB put that song in my head. But I’m kind of… I’m Done. I’m tired. White flag. The soul it’s addressing refuses to meet me halfway, so fuck it. I want to walk… Away.

And it was working: I was enjoying a nice break of easing up on the Care, experimenting with letting go, channeling through heartache and working towards new emergence… And then this.

Like… Really?
Definitely whining to TPTB now, No. Seriously. Really?
And apparently, Yes. Really. (read: “Suck it up, StormCloud. Suck it up.”)

“Memories like fingerprints are slowly raising…”
Absolutely. And not just any memories. Oh no. Pulling deep from the Well. Nostalgia across Lifetimes.

6 of Cups (Wheel of the Year tarot)
6 of Cups (Wheel of the Year tarot)

I seem to recognize your face
Haunting, familiar, yet I can’t seem to place it
Cannot find the candle of thought to light your name
Lifetimes are catching up with me

All these changes taking place, I wish I’d seen the place
But no one’s ever taken me
Hearts and thoughts they fade, fade away…
Hearts and thoughts they fade, fade away…

I swear I recognize your breath
Memories like fingerprints are slowly raising
Me, you wouldn’t recall, for I’m not my former
It’s hard when you’re stuck up on the shelf

I changed by not changing at all, small town predicts my fate
Perhaps that’s what no one wants to See
I just want to scream… Hello…

My god it’s been so long, never dreamed you’d return
But now here you are, and here I am
Hearts and thoughts they fade… Away…
Hearts and thoughts they fade, fade away…
Hearts and thoughts they fade, fade away…
Hearts and thoughts they fade… Away
– “Elderly Woman Behind the Counter in a Small Town”, Pearl Jam

I caved to Their insistence and did what I used to do, what I usually do, yet this time – probably for the first time – it was done with a dose of skepticism. Clearly there’s a lesson in all of this, in order to further my own Evolution. Still, it’s new for me to think, “Don’t know what good it’s gonna do.” But perhaps it isn’t for me to know. *shrug*

The 6 of Cups has always been one of my favorite cards to see in a reading. Lots of “warm fuzzies” all around. Yet it also holds an element of poignancy (depending on the surrounding cards in a reading), regret. Reviewing one’s life and finding areas of wastefulness, of taking love and those offering it for granted and wishing (now) otherwise. Looking into one’s past lives with one’s hindsight glasses on and seeing how to apply your new vision to your present life. (“If I knew then what I know now.”)

And drawing that card in addition to having that song in my head… Okay. (For the record, I’ve never seen one person be granted so very many chances to keep from fucking up as this particular soul. It’s impressive.) This time though… It may be easier for me because he really does stick to being behind the counter, staying up on that shelf, watching life – and all its (oft times turbulent) emotions – flow by. And maybe he does want to scream “Hello”… Yet, now here you are and here I am… And..? Are you really going to let this small town predict your fate?
*tsk*

“Hearts and thoughts they fade, fade away.”
πŸ’• and πŸ’­ they fade… Away.

The End

A few years ago, someone dear to my heart said to me that he loved all of the songs on Pearl Jam’s Backspacer album, except for “The End”. At the time, I laughed and said that I couldn’t ever think of it without thinking of The Doors’ song of the same name, so it blurred for me. What it boiled down to was that he and I would listen to the album save for that one song.

Fast-forward to present day.

Recently, I started listening to all of my Pearl Jam songs on shuffle play, in order to force myself to pay attention to and really hear those songs that weren’t known to me as “my favorites”. In all fairness, this equates to roughly 14 albums, 165 songs, and 11 hours of music. Just Pearl Jam. So yeah, don’t have all of them memorized. Many, but not all. Perhaps if Pearl Jam was to “come back” to Montana… *et hem* and play a few shows…πŸ˜‡

Anyway…

3 of Swords Radiant Rider Waite
Radiant Rider Waite
Shuffling my Pearl Jam songs reacquainted me with “The End”, and I found myself playing it on loop for a while, wondering why I’d initially let it go. It’s a really good song. Poignant.
Sharp. Painful. Cuts through some serious bullshit and reaches right in and stabs swords through your heart… Yeah, a good song. And after experiencing the unanticipated collapse of my own marriage, I can certainly see why one would instinctively shy away from it as it certainly targets all those excruciating emotions one goes through pre-, during, and post-divorce, especially if one is actually going through that (any kind of) breakup.

What were all those dreams we shared
Those many years ago?
What were all those plans we made
Now left beside the road?
Behind us in the road

More than friends I always pledged
Cause friends they come and go
People change as does everything
I wanted to grow old
Just want to grow old

Yeah… I can see why my friend – who was in the middle of a divorce at the timeΒ (I wasn’t) – would say he skips that song at the time.

Don’t leave me so cold
Or buried beneath the stones
I just want to hold on
And know I’m worth your love
Enough
I don’t think
There’s such a thing

It is hard to listen to; add to it the raw ache in Eddie Vedder’s wonderful voice? Intense. Very intense.

Yet Endings bring about New Beginnings.

Myself, I’ve been spending this last year since my divorce – my own “The End” – looking within and discovering how to mend what was broken, discard what can’t be repaired, and figure out just exactly what I want for the betterment of myself, my children, and my world as a whole.

Basically, I’ve been doing this:

Step 1) Self-healing post Sacrifice and Letting Go
Step 1) Self-healing post Sacrifice and Letting Go
Working hard to clear through the clutter and devastation that’s left post-breakup, cutting through sorrow and heartache, bad habits and doubt, to leave that all emotional baggage behind and move into smoother, clearer water towards rebirth of Self and a new life.

Step 2) Death leads to Change
Step 2) Death leads to Transformation & Rebirth, forces Change & Initiation

The definitive End of one aspect of Life brings Transformation and Forced Change leading to Rebirth and a stronger sense of Independent Self. With the Goal of wonderful New Beginnings leading to Self Victory.

Step 3) Setting forth Goals & Good Energy
Step 3) Setting forth Goals & Good Energy to Bring in Healthy New Relationships
Causing you to create plans and use the Good Energy of Self to call forth healthy new relationships with a mutually strong emotional and physical base (to each their own; replace my Queen of Wands and King of Cups with your own pick out of the Court Cards here, lol).

Step 4) Choosing Love & Life
Step 4) Choosing Love & Life in the Good Way
Being brave and taking risks; Opening your heart to the Stars to Guide you to choose mutual and reciprocal healthy relationships with others, and being selective in the Good Way to welcome in the True Love – who may not be perfect but who is perfect for you – into your Life, your home, your Universe.

Step 5) Love needs Honesty & Mutual Communication to Thrive
Step 5) The Ultimate Power Couple’s Love needs Honesty & Mutual Communication to Thrive
Because as Human Beings (for the most part), we are naturally social creatures who crave Connection. Yet in order to be that Powerfully Connected Pairing, even Soul Mates need Honesty and a 2-flow loop Communication in order to be strong and thrive, to live in their ideal Happily Ever After, with True Sharing and True Caring… Even if the Truth hurts sometimes (hey, the Sun gives life, yet it also burns, right, “Nothingman”?)

Life's Journey
Life’s Journey
After my “The End”, this is the Journey I’m undertaking. This is what Matters to me and what I’ve learned you actually can take with you. Certainly looks much easier in the picture. 😜 But it isn’t a race and I keep my Eye on my idea of the Prize.

Many of you may have different ideas on how you want to reach your proverbial Gold Ring πŸ’ after you’ve reached The End and have recovered enough to face transforming what’s ended into a new beginning for yourself. However, that’s likely based on how you wired your soul before being born on this particular planet – which is a discussion for another time, another post. Maybe if I feel like it. πŸ˜‰

…22/26, 22/26, 22/26…

All or None

Sooooo… I’m beginning to notice that my blog posts are reading like a Pearl Jam “greatest hits” album. LOL… πŸ˜„ This isn’t my fault. I place blame wholeheartedly on PJ’s collective stage. It isn’t my fault that Pearl Jam creates music that relate to emotions that I don’t even realize I have (until I hear them in the songs.)

PJ 2016 Tour Schedule
Pearl Jam 2016 Tour Schedule
So yeah, absolutely passing the buck on this one. Literally, since I do buy PJ’s albums, even some merchandise (love my PJ bumper sticker on my car! Heehees 😁) — although… Still waiting to be able to buy concert tickets since there’s a distinct lack of Montana dates on Pearl Jam’s tour schedule. 😠😝

Anyhoodles… “All or None” came to mind yesterday (after I’d already texted the lyric, “If nothing is everything, I’ll have it all” to someone – from Gone, off of the Pearl Jam album) after an encounter with my Twin Flame. It was the first time we’d “spoken” to one another since the beginning of June (when black holes were created in the way only Twin Flames can create.) And I realized something. It wasn’t a new thought, yet it nudged right up against how I’ve been feeling lately, and kind of busted that truth wide open within me, that perhaps I’d been trying to hide or ignore:

Radiant Rider Waite Ace of Cups
The Ultimate Cup of Care
(Radiant Rider Waite)
I cannot do half-assed with people in my Cup of Care.

There are many people with whom I share a friendly acquaintanceship, and it’s comfortable. By unspoken agreement, we keep our “visits” to social media and running into one another at the store or other public places. We smile, we inquire about children and others, share what’s new, talk about how we totally have to hang out one of these days, then part (sometimes with hugs and smooches, sometimes with a smile and wave) and move on in our merry way, fully comfortable in that friendship status. We don’t text, call or otherwise associate and that is by unspoken design. And we completely enjoy it as such.

Then there are those friendships that sink past your skin, thread into your bones. These are the friends with whom you share mutual respect, consideration, love and affection. You guide and teach and learn from one another. Some of these friendships are fleeting, others last years spanning decades. These are the friends you talk to on the phone, in person, you text, you visit socially in real life as well as via social media (if you’re the type.) They accept you even if they don’t get you.

silver birch
Silver Birch
These are the friends you can go for years without actually speaking with, yet you know that should you ever need them (or they you), they will be there. And you also know that if you’re ever in their neighborhood without stopping by or at least calling – even if it’s been 20 years – they’ll kill you and vice versa. Some are there just for a flicker in time, like a leaf in the wind; there with you for a while, but leave (ha! leave! I made a punny, didn’t even mean to, lol) once their tasks are complete. Sometimes you are that leaf for someone else. And it’s All Good. These are Soul Mate friends in the tree that is you.
(And one of these days, I’ll need to go in-depth about what constitutes “soul mate” and what it all means and how it relates to the individual and those around said individual, but not in this post. πŸ˜‰)

For these friendships, endings are rarely acute. Most simply fade with time, yet always remain within you on some level. Others are disrupted through jagged life lessons that generally require time and healing before the friendship is over or reabsorbed (usually transformed into something else as what causes the rift, ends what was there before.) Sometimes it’s smooth… Often, very painful.

Then there is your Twin Flame, if you’re lucky enough to find and reconnect with that soul.

Infinity Sign Always
“Always”
Twin Flame is Soul Mate to the Nth. And when you hear your Twin Flame say the word “Always” to you, it resonates within you, vibrates in a humming sound along your bones. Because that’s what the two of you simply Are. It doesn’t even matter what the two of you are even talking about. That word… It’s like The Ultimate “Safe Word”. It’s the reminder that you found Home.

Now, how does all of this tie into the title of this post?

In my experience, it is impossible to go from any type of soul mate relationship to “friendly acquaintances”. While one could turn a “friendly acquaintance” into a soul mate relationship (it’s simply a matter of mutual agreement, for example, I met a soul new to me a few years ago, and she told me that she liked how I parented my children so much that she asked if I would be her mom next lifetime. I said, Sure. And with that voiced agreement, a bond was formed and she and I successfully expanded our friendship from friendly acquaintances and now have a soul mate friendship.)… I have yet to experience going from something as deep and mutually abiding as a soul mate relationship to “hi’s and bye’s” on the street. In my heart, I don’t think that’s even possible. And in my soul, the thought of reducing such a powerful connection to something so mundane as “acquaintances” makes me cringe and recoil on an instinctive level.

You don’t believe me? Try it.
Go ahead: The next time you (try to?) end things with a special friend, a soul that Matters to you, see if you can do the casual “Hello” with that person.
Once you’ve experienced that, imagine doing that with the soul that is Twin to your own.

Uh huh.
That’s what I thought.

I tried it, for I believe that when there are no hard feelings, one shouldn’t behave as if there are, meaning, when someone who shares a Connection with you greets you as you’re walking down the street, you should return the salutation accordingly.

It’s a hopeless… situation
And I’m starting to believe
That this hopeless… situation
Is what I’m trying to achieve – All or None, Pearl Jam

One might try for the “It is what it is”, but in truth, all that means is that it is what it is because it isn’t what it should be. (Thank you, A! 😘) “It is what it is” is one half-assed declaration, and I hope to never – ever – hear it in regards to any relationship I am ever in… Ever.

Let me speak plain:
If the man I’m with refers to our relationship as being “it is what it is”, then I am clearly with the wrong man.

I don’t care if that man is a soul mate; obviously (to me), the connection then is one of lessons to be learned and experienced gained rather than one of genuine true love and care. Cause damn. Just… damn.

I’m just glad that it wasn’t in reference to me. I certainly don’t envy the woman who’s part of that glowing, waxed-poetic pairing. Ouch. 😢
*stage-whispers* Half. Assed.

If I can’t have a real, mutual, communicative friendship or deep love relationship with the soul I feel so connected with, I’ll go without altogether, than be reduced to something that feels so viscerally wrong and false to me.

Me, I’m going for this:

It’s all or none … All or None.