Because when I looked up, the clock read 10:26 PM (again.)
And I realized that I’ve been immersed in emotional intensity way too deep for too long a period of time. Not enough distractions when my kids aren’t home. Too much bad news in too short a time coming from too many different directions, too many frustrations leading to feelings of impotence, imbalance.
Not enough give but far too much take. Silence where there never was; leaves me vulnerable, uncertain. Trying so hard to do the Right Thing. Doing everything I’d been Guided to do… with the promise of joy and transcendence… Only… there’s nothing there. Empty promises.
Anger swirls around the edge, threatens to pour into what’s left of my Cup of Care; smother what Hope remains.
So I force myself to pause… To listen to my children’s laughter as it bubbles down the stairs. To draw in one slow, calming breath after another until I am still. Able, once again, to remind myself how very Blessed I am, how grateful. And as everything in my mind slowed back down to a more manageable pace, I heard music:
Yes, I understand, that every life must end, uh huh
As we sit alone, I know someday we must go, uh huh
Oh, I’m a lucky man to count on both hands the ones I love
Some folks just have one, yeah, others they got none, uh huh
Stay with me… Let’s just breathe
Practiced are my sins, never gonna let me win, uh huh
Under everything just another human being, uh huh
Yeah, I don’t want to hurt. There’s so much in this world to make me bleed
Stay with me… You’re all I see
Did I say that I need you? Did I say that I want you?
Oh, if I didn’t, I’m a fool, you see. No one knows this more than me…
As I come clean
I wonder everyday as I look upon your face, uh huh
Everything you gave and nothing you would take, uh huh
Nothing you would take… Every thing you gave
Did I say that I need you? Did I say that I want you?
Oh if I didn’t, I’m a fool, you see
No one knows this more than me
I come clean…
Nothing you would take… Every thing you gave
Hold me ’till I die… Meet you on the other side… – “Just Breathe”, Pearl Jam
The very best part is that everything feels so much better when my four babies are home with me, safe and sound. Much easier for me to just breathe. ?
