Aries (March 21 – April 19)I’m an Aries Sun Sign. One aspect of Aries that comes up when reading about Aries and our connections with others, is that Aries is all about The Chase and less about what comes after.
While this may be true about many Aries — Aries is all about The Initiative — it isn’t true for me. If anything, the opposite is what holds me; I couldn’t be less interested in “The Chase”. I hate it.
It’s difficult enough to actually recognize and meet a kindred, and seek to share and explore that Connection. Only to have “The Chase” conflict? Hate that. I find it to be a complete waste of time and energy and it isn’t interesting in the slightest. Why?“The Chase” Because I’m all about the true and actual Connect itself, and the Journey and Communication therein, not the chase that leads up to the Connected Journey. I’m about the carrot, not the stupid string that holds it just out of reach. It’s the carrot itself that’s satisfying, not the constant hope of getting one.
I can see how some aspects of “chasing” someone could be considered appealing, The Chasebut overall, I think that those who are more interested in the chase than they are the person are cheating themselves and the one they’re pursuing. Think about it: How can THIS…
possibly be more fulfilling…
than THIS? I Has Carrots!
Yeah, Baby. That’s what I’m talking about! Num-nums… Good.To me, there’s no comparison.And I just cannot understand those who think chasing after someone is more thrilling the actual genuine reception of that someone.
For me, it’s all about The Embrace, not the chase.
When Pearl Jam’s “Vitalogy” album was released in 1994, I wore it the fuck out. I thought the song “Nothingman” impacted me then.Pearl Jam’s “Vitalogy” (1994)Who knew that 22 years later, I’d fully recognize why.
The true inkling of “Nothingman” awareness began… I want to say November-ish of about 2012, when listening to the song whilst walking on my treadmill. I had one of the first of what I like to call “a Flash”… (and I’ll never look at white/black/red plaid flannel the same ever again.)
“Flash” forward (guffaw, guffaw) to a month ago or so, when the song in its entirety became crystal clear to me in that “Well, I’ll be damned” kind of way.
Not that gaining this knowledge has helped me in any way. Hm. Well… Maybe it has? I did gain insight, but it’s the kind of knowledge that… perhaps one must wait and see just how it’s supposed to be helpful. Cause as yet, it only makes me shake my head and think, I’m in Twin Flame Hell.
“Once divided… nothing left to subtract…
Some words when spoken… can’t be taken back…
Walks on his own… with thoughts he can’t help thinking…
Future’s above… but in the past, he’s slow and sinking… Caught a bolt ‘a lightnin’… cursed the day he let it go…
Nothingman…
Nothingman…
Isn’t it something?
Nothingman…
She once believed… in every story he had to tell…
One day she stiffened… took the other side…
Empty stares… from each corner of a shared prison cell…
One just escapes… one’s left inside the well…
And he who forgets… will be destined to remember…
Nothingman…
Nothingman…
Isn’t it something?
Nothingman…
Oh, she don’t want him…
Oh, she won’t feed him… after he’s flown away…
Oh, into the sun… ah, into the sun…
Burn… burn…
Nothingman…
Nothingman…
Isn’t it something?
Nothingman…
Nothingman…
Coulda’ been something…
Nothingman…
Oh…ohh…ohh…”
I wonder if I’ll ever get to see just what happens. Will he — whom is admittedly forgetful — remember? Remember in time to do anything about it? Enjoy it? And I wonder if he’ll remember soon enough in that I’ll still care? Too late? I really don’t know. Some days, I believe he is aware… and others… I believe he just flies away into the sun because even that burn is easier to take, to hold, to live with than the lightning in his grasp.
And so to and fro the pendulum goes… But that’s a Pearl Jam song for another post. ?
3 years ago on this day, I lost the man who had the greatest impact in shaping the woman I am today, my Dad, Patrick “Pat” Clinton.
Today, the music in my home, my car, my ears, my voice… Is the music I danced to in my early childhood, holding my Dad’s hands and standing on his feet as he taught and guided me through his favorite 2-step:
Honeysuckle Rose (1980)
Willie Nelson, in particular, the album Honeysuckle Rose. “On the Road Again” was the theme song I sang from my seat in our family car, nearly every Friday evening as my Dad drove us from our apartment in NYC to the small log cabin on Kemah Lake, NJ.
Dad taught me how to fish on this lake. And to this day, I’m thinking my (unofficial) record for the biggest large-mouth bass caught in Newton, NJ still stands:
My Lunker, age 4 (1977) with Grampa Vince & Gramma Marie Clinton, Dad, & Sam
Then came The Teen Years.
And it’s funny… the father-daughter dynamic, in particular when said father and daughter are both such headstrong personalities. My Dad was an October Scorpio. I am a March Aries. So right there, anyone with any inkling of Astrology knows: Never a dull moment. 🙂 I’m pretty sure a portion of Dad was baffled by and mourned the loss of his self-proclaimed “Daddy’s Girl”. Headstrong, I’m telling you. Both of us.
Yet he and I got through them; who ever won those tests of Wills? I’m thinking it was an overall Draw.
Dad, Me, Ball (circa 1979)
Dad was the first one at the hospital for the birth of my first child, his first grandchild, my daughter Marie. And I was blessed to see a new dynamic to an ever-evolving man. He LOVED being a Grampa (less stress, more fun!).
Dad with Mars (2005)
And he adored each grandkid during the decade-span of their arrivals. Becoming a parent myself gave me a greater empathy and understanding for my own parents, which forged a new bond between us and strengthened bonds formed years prior. Dad and I also also discovered we shared a love of the artwork of David Tineo, which also forged a new communication pathway through art between father and daughter.
La Lunatica by David Tineo
The 13 months he battled brain cancer gifted me with yet another insight to my father’s character:
The strength of his love for my mother, his partner, his friend. That year was probably the most difficult year I’d experienced in my life at that time, as his daughter — also a registered nurse — who couldn’t do a damn thing to stop the inevitable.
Dad, May 2012
I could only offer help from a physical distance: Montana and Arizona never seemed so far apart as they did that year. I resented and hated the fact that I couldn’t be there for his appointments, so I could channel that feeling of powerlessness into something productive to help my Mom & Dad. But that was probably one of those disguised blessings, for I would have driven them both batshit crazy had I actually lived that close.
So the candle I light today is for you, Dad, in gratitude and love. Our relationship wasn’t always sunshine and rainbows, but it was strong, it was true, it was love, and it was ours. I am blessed. I love you, I miss you. You are always on my mind. Patrick J. Clinton
